My journey to understanding the spirituality of a free man: parts one and two
He who seeks shall find is the promise and I believe it is actually true.
As I write this, I am reminded that it has been 25 years since I was ordained as a minister in the Church of Jesus Christ Christian. I studied the AIT course under the guidance of Pastor Richard G. Butler, working out of Hayden Lake in Idaho, USA. I lived in Sweden and did everything by regular mail - letters and stamps. Internet was not what it is today. I was a passionate student, and Christian Identity made sense to me, more sense than anything else I had known. When I received the diploma confirming my ordination - me as a pastor - I thought all was done and peace would be with me. I was wrong.
1.
I remember my father and/or mother praying with me every night before going to bed. It was a children's prayer and the beginning and end of religiosity in our house. Sweden is one of the most secular countries in the world and my family was like most. We never went to church, except for funerals or christenings, and then only because the church took care of it. Christmas was about Santa Claus, not Christ, and Easter was about eggs with sweets in them, not Christ or religion. Midsummer was also devoid of spirituality. No one mentioned the old gods. At school we learnt about the different religions of the world, but our indigenous one, Asatru, was taught more like a fairy tale (compare the works of J.R.R. Tolkien) than an actual belief.
For my part, I liked God - whoever he was. And I knew he cared about me. Many adults find it hard to maintain faith when faced with a world in which a good God seems far away. For some reason, as a child, this is not a problem. As a preteen and an avid reader, I soon found the old gods. They became real to me, just as God was, and there was no strife, no conflict. I was serious about my beliefs - believe me - and Christ was as real as Odin. It was not a pick-and-choose religiosity, nor was it superficial. Looking back, I understand how it could be. I was not searching for the truth with a capital T and I was not out to know every detail, every word and every emotion. I just knew, and that was enough. I was not out to prove (to myself or others) that my faith was the only one. That came later and with it came strife and conflict.
Waking up to the political realities and understanding that I was a nationalist meant being part of a movement (in the larger sense). Spirituality had no real place in Sweden. As a result of the 1968 revolution, cultural Marxism took root, and in a way that was all-encompassing. The nationalists were also infected by materialism. Asatru was adopted as a gimmick and Christianity was more and more seen as the enemy. In my opinion, this made our "movement" shallow. We had the outward facade and the political ideas just below the surface, but there was no real depth, no real foundation, because it has to come from the soul, ergo: spirituality. That which is not rooted in the spiritual essence of man must sooner or later destroy itself.
Realpolitik is about facts, statistics and context. There is evidence that mass immigration is deadly, and we can prove the negative effects of the economic system. The proof - the hard facts - are there. I have adopted a political method in spirituality and this mistake has been with me for a long time. When Christ says that we should come to him as children, he is right. As a young adult I tried to make sense of spirituality as I had made sense of realpolitik. I found Christian Identity, then Wotanism, and from there to Evola, Nietzsche and Ariosophy. Fascinated by National Socialism, Devi and Serrano appeared. But no peace, no serenity, no clarity. I searched for truth with a capital T. You can't prove a belief with hard facts. You can make a good argument for the existence of God, but you can't prove His existence. I tried to make sense of spirituality with the same logic that had made me a political nationalist, and failed miserably.
I have had the honour of corresponding with some of the greatest men of our time. They have all given of their wisdom. Pastor Butler, David Lane, Bruce Pierce and Richard Scutari come to mind first. But there are many others. A few close friends have had a huge impact on my spiritual life. In particular, I would like to mention David E., a dear companion on this spiritual journey. If there is one thing to take to heart it is this: value the men and women in your life who share your search and have the courage to say what they think. The good Lord says in the Bible that we should reason together - with Him and with each other. It is truly divine advice.
All of the above approached spirituality with faith and tried to guide me. I remember a letter I received from Bruce Pierce. In it he answered a question I had about contradictions I was worried about. He wrote that I should ignore them and instead look at the bigger picture. I did not take his advice. And the more I looked for the truth, the less truth I found.
2.
After a while I came to the conclusion that it was all rubbish. Christianity, God, Asatru, Odin. Be gone! I embraced materialism disguised as National Socialism, and while Christianity became the enemy, Asatru could be accepted for cultural reasons and its symbolism was adopted. Paganism was the popular thing to embrace in a movement that despised Christianity as a whole.
But to be honest, even as I wrote articles denouncing Christianity, deep down I doubted my own words. And when I tried to make the old faith work just as a cultural gimmick, I was sceptical. And when I tried to make a religion out of National Socialism, I knew it didn't make sense.
I know that many who share my search share my experience. "The truth is out there," said the poster in Agent Mulder's office in the X-Files. I agree, but is it ours to find? The crux of the matter is that faith cannot be based on facts. This is a problem for us today because we live in an unnatural world, in an artificial world order. What was natural to our ancestors is hidden from us. Spirituality is no longer the default setting within us, it has to be sought and found.
I remember a passage from Herman Löns' book The Warwolf. It is at the beginning when Löns takes us through the ages and sets the scene for the book. With ease he describes the passing of the old age and the coming of the new. The old gods give way to the new and he does not judge. The story takes this further and as we follow Harm Wulf and the Warwolves, the old runes coexist with the village church. The old and the new live in the farmers and the warriors. It made me think, and think hard.
It was my mentor, Manfred Roeder, who finally made me understand what was hidden in plain sight. I had seen the conflict between Christians and I had seen the conflict between pagans. And, of course, the hatred of Christianity. The same people who honoured Corneliu Codreanu attacked the very faith that made him one of Europe's greatest sons.
The truth is. We have many churches that are the enemy of our beautiful race, but many Christians who fight the good fight. We also have groups that claim to represent Asatru but preach the death of our great race. They in no way reflect the many upstanding men and women who follow the ancient beliefs and dedicate their lives to the survival of our people.
My mentor, a pupil of the elite SS school NPEA Anhalt in Ballenstedt and the youngest volunteer of the Wehrmacht in the Battle of Berlin in 1945, who fought all his life for our nationalist cause, came to the conclusion that there is no conflict between those who fight for the blood of our race. It wasn't tolerated when he was young, and he didn't accept it as an old man - the Old Fighter was a no nonsense man. I took his words to heart and since then I have not accepted the belittling of the beliefs of my fathers, be they Christian or pagan.
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